How to Make Small Talk at a Slosh

This past week I hosted a Neuro + Spicy Meetup at my coaching space. It was a social gathering for people who are neurodivergent and also interested in the “spicy” side of life, like kink or non-monogamy. Events like this one are a great place for people who are interested in these things, but in a non-sexual, purely social, situation. In kink circles they are usually called a “slosh” (if it’s at a bar) or a “munch” (if it’s at a restaurant).

While you might meet a potential partner at these events, they are more like a book club than a dating event. The emphasis is on getting to know people and learning about the community.

Because I’m neurodivergent myself, (ADHD), (if you haven’t already guessed), I like to set up my social events with some clear communication about communication. Because this is an event where the more day to day social rules about what’s ok to talk about with a stranger don’t work, I wanted to give some extra attention to what small talk at these events can look

So here are my general guidelines for navigating a fun conversation with a stranger at a slosh, munch, or sex positive meet-up;

1. Be a little braver than you are normally when it comes to introducing yourself or sitting with someone you don’t know.

2. If you are unsure of how to get into or out of a conversation, try the kind and direct approach. “Hey you seem cool, do you mind if I sit down here?” Or “Hey, I’m starting to zone out and I think I’m done talking now.”

3. This is an event for people interested in kink, non monogamy, and other taboo topics. Everyone attending will have different levels of comfort with sexual innuendo, discussion of sexual activities, and lots of other topics. Break into conversation with someone you don’t know by assuming they have a lower level of comfort than you do.

4. Assume good intent by sharing if someone is making you uncomfortable.

5. Demonstrate good intent by being open to hearing that you’ve made someone uncomfortable.

6. Have fun and don’t take it too seriously. We’re all just making this up as we go.

You will notice that these guidelines include more direct communication than is typical in other social events. I believe that when you are building a community space around potential discussions of sexual topics, it’s incredibly important to normalize and encourage people to speak up for their needs in a social setting. This allows practice toward speaking up for those same needs in sexual encounters or relationships. I include numbers 4 and 5 because I want people to know going into my space that I encourage you to speak up for what you need and that you will be expected to receive information about other people’s needs with grace.

That doesn’t mean that you have to confront someone who is acting outside of community standards or making you feel unsafe. These are guidelines for conversations that have been fun but took an unfortunate turn. If it’s more than that, you should definitely speak to the organizer and let them handle it.

These are not easy things to do. I regularly find myself staying in conversation longer than I want or failing to speak up when someone says something hurtful. I’ve also been in the position of being the one who made someone else uncomfortable by getting it wrong and being too direct about a topic. That’s why number six is so important. We’re all going to make mistakes, be awkward, and feel embarrassed sometimes. The more you can learn to own your mistakes and laugh at your awkwardness, the easier it will be to learn.