Review of Love in a F*cked Up World by Dean Spade

If you are wondering how, or even why, you should work on your relationships when it feels like the world's on fire, I've got a book for you. I just finished reading it, and it's one I've already recommended to a few of my clients.

It's called Love in a F*cked Up World: How to Build Relationships, Hook Up, and Raise Hell Together by Dean Spade.

Dean Spade is a trans man, activist, teacher, and author of Mutual Aid. I wasn't deeply familiar with his work before I read this, but I've heard his name a lot, especially in community building spaces. I was curious what his take would be for what it takes to build a healthy relationship in today's world.

One reason I enjoyed the book is that it's very practical. The language is very clear and grounded. Spade breaks down why relationships often feel so hard in a logical, easy-to-understand way. And he does it without shame or blame. This book doesn't tell you that you just need to try a little harder, communicate better, regulate quicker, or just be a little better. Instead, Spade helps you build compassion for yourself and for the people you're in a relationship with.

I especially appreciated that the information in this book applies to all relationships. The principles of healthy intimacy here work for committed romantic relationships, casual dating and hookups, friendships, communities, and even organizations or groups that you belong to. It really is a healthy relationships 101, but in a way that feels more modern and relevant to the world we are all navigating.

Spade also does a great job of explaining how the deep emotional reactions we experience in these relationships are often tied to our core needs and old wounds. You know, the moment where something feels off in your relationship and you feel like you could literally die. Our most intimate relationships trigger our most intense reactions, and the book does a great job of normalizing that.

I really appreciated how Spade’s book doesn't pretend that we're all doing relationships on easy mode. He talks openly about how our culture, capitalism, scarcity, and lack of support all make it genuinely hard for us to have safe, stable relationships. You need a certain amount of time and stability to thrive and grow in that way. I know all too well that emotional growth takes a lot of effort. When you're living on survival mode, it’s really hard to find the space to do that.

Most relationship advice books never address this; instead starting from the assumption that their audience has access to therapy, money, and time for special dates, and a healthy support system already. That approach usually leaves me feeling a lot of self-judgment for not having those things figured out already. Instead, this book made me feel like we're all fighting an uphill battle together.

Love in a F*cked Up World does a great job of challenging the idea that one romantic partner should meet all of your emotional needs. Dean encourages his readers to develop "robust, promiscuous emotional support systems." That's one idea I really loved, and something I'm already trying to develop. Our culture teaches us to expect our romantic partner will also be the main source of our emotional support, intellectual stimulation, and the logistics of making life work. But if you have multiple people or places where you can get the intimacy, care, and support that you need, you are more likely to get the support you actually need.

The world is changing rapidly. Everyone I know is scared about the direction our country is going. How can you worry about your love life when it feels like society is unraveling? Do relationships even matter right now?

And that's why I think this book is important. Spade insists that relationships are not frivolous. They are how we learn to love each other. Being in a relationship with others is how we've survived as a species. Our continued survival will depend on our ability to keep growing together. We need to learn to tend to our own emotional needs, stay regulated, and present for others’ needs so that we can create a better world together.

If you're dating, if you're non-monogamous, if you're queer, trans, or even if you're just exhausted by self-help books that feel out of touch with modern life, Love in a F*cked Up World is a great book for you.

If you listen to audio books, I highly recommend Libro.fm as a great alternative to Amazon owned Audible. If you sign up using the my referral I get a free book credit.