Doing Polyamory In Public

It’s been a very full and exciting time in my world so far in 2024. March will be the last weekend of my core classes for the relationship coaching certification program I’m doing with the Somatic Institute. As I get closer to the end of the first phase of my education I’m also beginning the process of launching my coaching business. I’ve got a logo, I’m working on a website, and I’ve started to look for speaking opportunities to share what I’ve learned and to find my first clients.

I led a discussion on the building blocks of healthy polyamory with a Cincinnati Meetup Group at the end of January. On Valentine’s Day this year I was on a panel discussing Polyamory for Cincinnati Edition on WVXU. I was joined on the panel by another polyamorous Cincinnati resident as well as the amazing Jessica Fern, author of Polysecure.

I was a little star struck because Fern’s book is one of the most commonly recommended books on polyamorous relationships. It’s even on my required reading list for my coaching classes. I was also excited because I’d seen her speak at the first polyamory conference I attended with my husband back in 2018. Her workshop was absolutely one of my favorites from the weekend and very beneficial to helping us improve our relationship.

If you would like to listen to the whole conversation you can do that here:

Other than writing some articles that referenced being non-monogamous and sharing them on my social media accounts, I haven’t really spoken to people outside of my friends group about being polyamorous. For most of my life I’ve had a career that would have been damaged if I was open about my relationship style. My family was pretty clear about wishing I had stuck to a “don’t ask don’t tell” approach to my relationships the first time I came out to them (when I was with my ex-husband) and I’ve only recently started to gently broach the subject again with my mom. I’ve been open about it with everyone I know well enough to hang out with in real life, but most of them are either non-monogamous themselves or else very accepting of it so I really haven’t had to feel a lot of self consciousness around the topic for a long time.

The radio opportunity changed that. For the first time I had to think about what people I don’t know would think about me. That was pretty terrifying. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to be “right.” To be the kind of person that society would look at as successful, that would make my parents proud, that no one could find very much to object to at all. Growing up I knew that I had my own internal world that I was in charge of and that I liked very much. Also, I knew the best way to get the approval and acceptance I craved was to keep as much of that world to myself as possible.

As an adult I started to find people who I thought could actually handle that world, and started to let more of it show. Attending regional burning man events showed me a whole community of people who could handle that world. Now six years later, the mask of who I used to be doesn’t fit anymore and I’m not even sure where I left it if I wanted to wear it. I don’t know how to be anyone but myself anymore.

This is an exhilarating space to occupy. Now it’s time I start to share that world with more than just my immediate friends. I know that it won’t go over well with everyone. I’ve been enjoying some of the privileges that come with appearing to be in a monogamous heterosexual marriage to the outside world. Giving that up is scary. But this is part of why coming out is important. Avoiding being “othered” by mainstream society, by hiding who I am makes it harder for the people in my community who can’t hide who they are. Here I’m speaking to people with same sex partners, others who are viewed as minorities, radicals or those who are gender-non conforming. People who can’t afford the markers of affluence or speak a middle class dialect. Anyway, hiding is boring. I’d rather breathe the fresh air and feel the fear than go back to the suffocating safety of the closet.

This post was originally published on Substack